Thoughts When I Died

            I thought about you when I died. I felt a little guilty but it’s the truth. Why would someone have the arrogance not to the think about HIM or HERSELF?  After all, what is death? No one really knows, but I thought about you.

            Is their an innate sense of NON-self perseveration? Sometimes I wonder.  Luckily for me, I didn’t have too long to wonder because it was a short time before I died.

            The shot was fast and immediate. I did not even hear it.  Apparently it severed my spinal cord like the wishes of  a “deer hunter.” When a hunter makes the perfect “kill shot” on a deer, its’ through and through. The deer goes down immediately and there is no need in tracking it.  It lays there where it was shot. 

            That’s what happened to me.

            I had a quick glimmer of my surroundings, but moments later I felt my body fading out of what medical personnel call “consciousness.”  With what little mind capacity I had, I called it, “the end of me.”

            I certainly don’t want to bring you down because I do hope you read the rest of the story. It’s not a huge downer even though I die in the end.  OH CRAP, I ruined it!

But you, in your twisted sense of curiosity, have to know every feeling and every thought that entered my mind. 

            What if I said I survived? Would you believe me?

            Not to worry… IT did not happen that way. SO, here is what went down- including me.

            I wrestled with living. I had doubts about dying. I saw myself as another person. I even had hallucinations about being the apostle “Luke” and we were sailing with Jesus on a fisherman’s boat.  I heard Elvis singing to me, but he was not singing a melodic tune. He was asking question after question as to why I had made the choices I had made. George Jones, who is not even dead yet, asked--- when are you going to change?

            Then, while I was in the hospital room, after the terrible gun shot wound, there was this door or portal and it looked like it simply led outside.  But there were all these people urging me to come and join them.  I was hesitant. I did not understand this scenario and no one could explain “WHY” I had to leave my bed to join the rest of the people (mainly stars) that I did not even know. All I knew was that they were dead.

            That’s when I felt the most uncomfortable. There was no light; only different "theatrical stars" that had passed on, telling me I needed to leave now!

            In my heart of hearts, I felt like my departure would be the end of me.  Would I be one of those people who visited others to let them know they need to---- “Open their eyes and Come ON Now! It’s time to see the light!”

            My thoughts drifted back to the girl I knew growing up.  We had never dated and were only friends. But I knew her when I was a kid of 12 or 13 and her kiss was magic.  I used that magic to come back to myself.  I was in a place that was unknown to me. AND that was scary. Her lips… her smile… her laugh… was the only thing that brought me back. 

            I learned a great lesson that day.

            There is no use in wrestling your demons because demons can’t wrestle; and only dreams last.  Dreams assured me of myself. Dreams are made up of truth and truth is made up of magic. But this only happens if you can hear and see the reality of a blissful and magical existence. Trust yourself to make wisdom a daily habit.  Wisdom does not work for you. You work for wisdom. Be blessed AND SHARE… Love to all!  No need for roses on the grave... they only wither.