I had a “post valen-pocalyptic” vision. It’s time to reveal Valentine’s mishaps made by each sign. FYI- If these made up facts did not happen to you on Valentine’s Day; then disregard- (this year). AND REMEMBER-- The Cards Never Lie!- They just Fib a lot!
Aquarium (Jan 21-Feb. 19)
Take NOTE! Next time, comb all the food chunks out of your “soul patch.”
For the Ladies: Next year, don’t worry about waxing those tiny hairs on the small of your back---- they are SOOO freakin’ sexy to us fellows!
Fish, Blue Gill, Pisces and such (Feb. 20-March 20)
Golfing is not the best Valentine present.
For the Ladies: Just tell him… that was not cool… and then say “Golfing?” - “Your dad give you that idea? Oh by the way, it was great of your dad to show up on the 3rd green and join us on Valentine’s Day! --- Lovely.”
NAries (March 21-April 20)
Your romantic disposition helps acquire numerous flirtations… from midgets.
For the Male: You can not “hang” a midget as a pre-trial diversion.
Tires (April 21-May 21)
Your stubborn disposition gives way to buying flowers for your “special someone.” Don’t leave the sticker on that says ‘Thanks for Shopping at BP.”
For the Ladies: Your paranoia is founded in truth.
Jim & I (May 22-June 21)
You’re paranoid about Valentine’s Day. Snap out of it! Your paranoia screwed everything up for you. Even your dog is nervous.
For the Female: Showing off your intellect ruined the day. Next time, take some duct tape and shut up!
Canker(June 22-July 22)
You are great with kids… you Should NOT have mentioned that at dinner.
For the male: Thank goodness you didn’t bring up “kids.” Now she’ll call you back on Thursday.
The male and female of these two signs are goofy… BUT that’s OK because they are usually richer than all the other signs combined
CLeo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You had a great time and imagined having a date… it’s a good thing you have a great imagination.
For the Female: How can you live with yourself? THREE dates simultaneously on Valentine’s Day?
Vertigo (Aug. 23-Sept. 23)
With your charm you got a discount on you meal. You’re going to feel guilty all week and you will invest all you savings raising chickens to feed “third world counties.”
For the Male: You tried to help third world countries with a huge helicopter meat drop… too bad turkeys can’t fly. You’re getting sued by PETA now.
Libra kadabra (Sept. 24-Oct. 23)
You’re easy going. That’s why your girlfriend was surprised when you beat up a “biker gang” (Seven of them) while having dinner at an expensive restaurant.
For the Female: You’re easy going. That’s why your boyfriend was surprised by you beating up a “biker gang” while having dinner at an expensive restaurant.
Crawdad (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)
You like being in charge. When your credit card was denied, you were surprised. Now you truly believe doing dishes sucks!
For the Male: You thought about where you might take your Valentine. You were indecisive. Now your girlfriend will never eat another “TV dinner.”
Satch-YOU-tarry-us (Nov. 23-Dec. 22)
You’re generous but your boyfriend did not appreciate you inviting the guy “sitting all alone” over to your table.
For the Female: Your boyfriend is just not happy with your relationship. Break up with him and make him feel better.
Capricorny (Dec. 23-Jan. 20)
You were not moody during your dinner date, which prompted your boyfriend to ask, “What’s wrong?” This was a huge mistake on his part because the ensuing argument led to his arrest.For the Male: Screw Valentine’s Day