Do not take this blog seriously, and don't drive and read!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Doctor's Side Effects

Scene:  Opens at the doctor’s office… Dr. walks in and clears his throat. Patient waits patiently for the diagnosis.

Dr:   Well, Mr. Curious, everything checks out fine. You’re free to leave. (Doctor pulls out his prescription pad and begins to write on it.)

Mr. C:  What are you writing, Doc?

Dr:  I’m giving you a prescription.

Mr. C:  Why?  I thought I was fine.

Dr:  You are, but there’s no reason to break my routine.

Mr. C:  OK. (Pauses and looks a bit puzzled)  Do you think I’ll need that “invasive surgery” we talked about?

Dr:  There’s no doubt in my mind.

Mr. C:  Should I go ahead and schedule it?

Dr:  I would

Mr. C:  OK, IF it’s for the best…

Dr:   It is.

Mr. C:  Sure.

Dr:  It’s a good idea.

Mr. C:  You bet.

Dr:  No use in waiting 40 years.

Mr. C:  No doubt

Dr:  It’s a good decision! It does requires a different prescription (Wads up his prescription sheet and tosses it in the trash).

Mr. C:  Good.

Dr:  Might as well start you on the meds today and schedule surgery for next week!

Mr. C:  No use in waiting, I suppose.

Dr:  Not at all.

Mr. C: Is it normal to start the medication before the surgery?

Dr:  Not at all. 

Mr. C:  But I need to start it today?

Dr:  You sure do!

Mr. C: OK.   (A puzzled look on Mr. Curious’ face)

Dr:  I have to tell you, your body is made up of cells. It will respond the same as 40% of my patients.

Mr. C: I think I understand.

Dr:  You want the side effects, don’t you?

Mr. C:   Sure!

Dr:   Thought you would.

Mr. C:  What are they?

Dr:  Different for everyone.

Mr. C:  Really?

Dr:  You… (Places hands on his shoulders as if to size him up) I’m guessing… with your size and weight… you’ll experience almost every side effect without any problems.

Mr. C:  Great! What can I expect?

Dr:   Oh, the usual… some nausea, impaired muscle formation,  irritability and short tempers,  hostility, homicidal impulses,  rapid loss of mental clarity,  amnesia,  kidney failure,  diarrhea, tingling or cramping in the legs,  inability to walk,  problems sleeping,  constipation, &  erectile dysfunction.

Mr. C:  No headaches?

Dr:  No headaches.

Mr. C:  Thank goodness!  I hate having headaches.

Dr:  That last medication I gave you sure did stir up the migraines, huh?

Mr. C:  It sure did! (they both laugh).

Dr:  If you want I can give you a refill.

Mr. C:  Is that for the best?

Dr:  Sure is!

Mr. C:  OK.

Dr:  And you can thank me later.

Mr. C:  Forget later. I’m thanking you now.

Dr:  What are doctors for?  (They both laugh again) Side effects are part of the cure.

Mr. C:  I sure wouldn’t want to miss out on a cure.

Dr:  Can’t let that happen.  (Pats him on the shoulder)

Mr. C:  Super.

Dr:  Not on my watch. (Doctor smiles and nods in a reassuring fashion)

Mr. C:  (breathes a sigh of relief) I don’t know what I would do without you Doc.

Dr:  I don’t know what I would do without me either! (Both laugh again)  Here you go. (Hands him a new script) You’ve been in my office long enough. No use in torturing you any further. Go on. Go home and start experiencing those side effects.

Mr. C:  Thanks Doc. (exits scene)

Dr:  That felt good. I remember why I became a doctor now… (Shakes his head and walks off)

No comments:

Post a Comment