Do not take this blog seriously, and don't drive and read!

Friday, February 25, 2011

Hokiescopes (Week of Feb., Late February)

Since the WorLD WiDe wEb is full of predictions and horoscopes, then I must declare my piece of the “MOON-PIE!”
This web-log will prove its lack of awareness about the future by posting a drowsy consciousness pertaining to hold the keys to the future. Unlock the secrets of your sign as we peer skyward through the eyes of this week’s Hokiescopes  
(And you don’t even have to sign up for anything!)

Week of: (February, Late February)--  Way late I know... 

Aquarium (Jan 21-Feb. 19)
   Your sign is most original and inventive. You might even use a coat hanger instead of a wire whisk to mix your pancakes. Or you might convince your family that tortilla shells are actually pancakes that didn’t rise in the oven.
  And you’ll persuade them the oven needs to be fixed because something “is obviously wrong with it.”
Fish, Blue Gill, Pisces and such (Feb. 20-March 20)
  You love to be recognized as being creative. Like Mark Twain said, “All you need is ignorance and confidence, and you’re sure to have success.”
  This week you may be recognized for your uncommon creatively, ingenious responses that sound factual. Incredible as it may sound, made up facts in the right context can certainly seem credible.
NAries (March 21-April 20)
  You’re very devoted to children.
  This week, build a play ground and charge admission. Then admit to the children that was “wrong of you to charge admission.” Tell them your admission price was too small and that your boss will fire you if you don’t make up the difference. Then beg them for more money.
Tires (April 21-May 21)
   You tend to go to extremes.
  This week, you may go into a department store and cause a scene when you loudly proclaim that you think, “Some of the manikins are anorexic and need immediate medical attention or personal counseling!”
Jim & I (May 22-June 21)
   Sometimes you may be a little sarcastic, but this week you will want to change.  
   You may even take out an ad in the paper and offer free algebra classes to bored children in need of fun “spring break” activities.   
Canker(June 22-July 22)
  Your sign is sometimes swayed by “emotion” and you may over-react. But just think, when an asteroid destroys the earth in 2036, at least you will be prepared. 
Cle-O (July 23-Aug. 22)
    Sometimes you think and act bigger than others would dare.
   When you build the first skyscraper in Hanging Limb, Tennessee (Reference: Beavis and Butthead book) others may think you’re crazy, but just look at how Las Vegas has grown over the years.
Vertigo (Aug. 23-Sept. 23)
  Some folks born under this sign tend to hide or mask inner feelings/emotions.
  But that’s OK. 
  The next time you feel deep feelings for someone, don’t even try saying, “I love you.” Just take ‘em in your arms and say, “What do you think about that NASA Shuttle Program coming to an end?” If they have read your Hokiescope for this week they will respond with a hearty, “I Love YOU!” Then you can respond: “Even though I’ll never be an astronaut?”
Libra kadabra (Sept. 24-Oct. 23)
  If you gamble this week, you stand a good chance of winning. You stand a better chance of losing.
  And there is a slight chance that you won’t gamble. But don’t bet on it.  .
Crawdad (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)
  Your sign is quite gifted at many things; very inventive. You can even use sea grass as rim filler when you make a daffodil bucket.
  When basket weaving, sometimes you don’t even need the full ten minutes of soaking reeds in warm water. With your recipe, you can even get away with soaking the reeds for only nine minutes and the finished basket still looks great! Pretty cool huh?
Satch-YOU-Terry-Us (Nov. 23-Dec. 22)
  Your foresight and good judgment makes you a trusting politician. 
  Unfortunately you may not posses the brilliance of metaphor, the poetry of imagination or the eloquence of dictation to ever be elected... unless of course, you have a dazzling speechwriter with a flamboyant slogan reiterated in snappy, short media sound bites. 
   And you have to look pretty good on camera. Then simply answer all questions with the phrase:  “I promise to form committees to look into that.”
Capricorny (Dec. 23-Jan. 20)
  Keep yourself busy because you hate to fail. It depresses you.
  Just remember success is in the eye of the beholder, and so is beauty! 
  Just keep telling your banker that they are beautiful and your beholding to them. And you really appreciate their patience with the loan payment.

Last time, I think we said we might discuss what each sign means.  For instance the sign for Tires (April 21-May 21) is a Bull.  What would a bull have to do with tires?  Tune in next week for the answer—OR NOT….

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I hate getting shot

            The shooting in Austin, Texas was quite disturbing to me personally. It was not because I was upset by those poor souls who were shot, but rather the fact that I got shot! The events leading up to me getting shot were rather strange, but I have no problems in my recollection.
            It happened on a Wednesday. I was visiting my friend in Austin, Texas. His parents had a wedding anniversary and they were going out on a dinner date.  My friend, Travis and his wife Lynn were to accompany them to the eatery.
            I decided it would be best that I got a hotel room and just “chill out.” Little did I know the events that would unfold?
            I took the interstate and I was listening to Jethro Tull on an “oldie’s station.” That’s when the strangest thing happened.  I was not drinking, although I had a fifth of “Jack” in the car. This trucker on my left pulled over too soon and he cut me off to the point where I twirling out of control.  He never saw me and he just kept on going. I wasn’t concerned about a traffic report.  I was more concerned about myself and “My Jack.” I skidded around three times and I came to rest at the bottom of a telephone pole. The outside of the car was dented but I was just happy that the pole did not fall on my car.  I quickly exited the car. It was not just to survey the damage, but in my mind it was a matter of “life or death.”
            I scratched my head and thought, “Wow… that could have been the end of me.”
            Just then another car from the opposite side of the rode crossed the median. I have no IDEA what caused this action but I jumped out of the way in just the “knick of time”- as they say. The car crossed the curb and smashed into the top of my car. It was an older lady. Her car was literally sitting on top of the car. I thought to myself, “Oh great, I’m not sure how I’m going to explain this to the insurance company.”
            Then someone, who appeared to be following her,  jumped out of a Suburban and shot the lady three times with a pistol. I never knew they had it because it had a silencer on it. They were in ski masks and she was slumped over the wheel—(ON TOP of my car).
            I think it might have been a “hit.” DO You reckin’?
            By the time the police got there, I didn’t know how to explain the events that had just occurred.  I played dumb, because if it was a “hit” I wanted nothing to do with it.
            They asked the same silly questions over an over.
            Finally, the “bucket truck” arrived and began to move her car off mine.  As this was happening, I had a weird feeling.
            And sure enough, THE BUCKET TRUCK accidentally hit the telephone pole. It all came crashing down.
            I’m not sure why they didn’t turn off the electrical current going to those wires, but after it was all said and done, there were about 20 poor souls that had gone home to meet their maker.
            I was smoking a “cig” on top of a car and got to see all this craziness transpire.
            When I got a cab back to my room at the “motel.” There were lots of kids “partying.” They were all celebrating “Prom Night.”
            That’s when the three gunmen came walking up and started blasting holes in the windows of the “motel.”
            I was out on the porch when the “three” masked gunmen arrived.
            At first, I was thinking, “YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME?”
            Let me say this, I AM NO HERO! But I was alarmed by their actions. I quickly ducked behind the building hoping the three shooters would just pass.  Then I heard the scream of a young girl.
            Her name was Christy, and I had met her when I went to the “ice machine.” She was so sweet. The reason I knew her voice was because she wanted to be a songwriter.  She sang a few bars of a melody I knew and truly impressed me!  That “high pitched” squeal told me she was in trouble.
            Without hesitation, I came from the back side of the building and started yelling, “HEY you coward assholes, you want somebody to shoot.. SHOOOT MEE!!  Come on you pieces of CRAP!  SHOOT ME!”
            I got my wish and it happened pretty quickly. I had picked up a handful of rocks. I chose the largest rock and chunked it at the kid in the grass firing incoherently. It hit him in the back and he dropped his weapon; then, I threw a rock at the boy who was shooting into the windows of the motel. The rock hit him in the back of the head.
            I shouted, “YEAH! How does that feel?”
            He turned toward me with his gun, & pointed it directly at me. As I started to duck, I heard him say, “YEAH, how does that feel?”
            I felt a stinging in my neck.  I felt my left ear ringing. I was able to look up and as I tried to pick up a rock, I could not lift my right arm.  He laughed.
            I was able to speak while I held the left side of my neck. AND I said, “Hey I’m a cop.”
            Of course I was lying, but I wanted him to stall. I wanted him to think about it.
            I wanted to live.
            I said, “You might get out of jail in a couple of years. You’re a juvenile.  BUT, if you kill me you’re going to spend the rest of you life waiting to be “fried’” This is Texas, and they like to fry cop killers!”
            HE SAID, “Well, I’ll get fried and I’ll see you in hell! Then, we’ll both know what it feels like won’t we?”
            He pulled the gun up toward me and I said my last prayer for my family.
            Just then, I heard a voice.
            A cop shouted, “Police, drop the weapon!”
            Out of the corner of my eye I saw him twirl around. His gun was facing the officer and I knew what was coming next.  He fell to the ground.  The stream of blood seemed surreal. It flowed over toward me. I wanted to move out of the way but I couldn’t.
            The dead boy was there.  I was there. Nothing else needed to be said.
            Only a prayer came from my lips. It was a simple prayer… one for him and one for me. I prayed for his forgiveness and I prayed for mine.

Friday, February 18, 2011

The Good Ol' Days?

            If we concentrate really hard and focus on the future without acknowledging the past; then maybe we will be fateful enough to repeat the mistakes of “Yester-Year…” “Times of Yore…” “The Good Old Days!” Hang with me now and let’s see if we can make some semblance of order out of the chaos that transpired long ago. In other words, let’s see if it makes sense in our present world affairs.
            We’ll try to make it simple.
            Once upon a time, there was this President named Herbert Hoover.  Hoover declared his superiority in business knowledge and even claimed the country was headed for an end to poverty.
            Unfortunately his mistake was running the country between 1928 and 1932.  The first year looked pretty great! The stock market was what they call a “Bull Market.”  That’s great for those buying stock. It means everything is rosy! Without going into great detail, the “rosy” part was “sort of” in the form of little “roses…drawn on worthless paper.”       You’ve probably heard about the “Great Crash” that led to the “Great Depression.” October through November of 1929 is when that event “sort of” happened.
This is what’s really freaky and sounds so familiar to folks paying attention to news events happening today! What happened back then seems eerily recognizable.
            America’s buying power was increased between 1928 and 1929. This had been a work in progress for more than a decade. The “cause/effect” results were an overproduction of goods and services. Modern machines from what they called “the industrial revolution” had finally kicked in.  The “roaring twenties” were actually roaring in the form of the mass production of cars (thank you Henry Ford-assembly lines); as well as other things like artificial price levels for various stock market commodities.
            Simplified, it works like this. Since we had all this mechanized equipment (large corporations) to make “stuff.” These machines also helped folks grow coffee in Brazil, sugar in Cuba, wheat in Canada, cotton in the States, etc… The world had more “food products” than it needed. The labor numbers decreased because machines were now doing what used to take ten or twenty workers. But the prices stayed the same.
            The “stabilized” or “set pricing” of commodities by a small group of ultra rich investors resulted in the prices plummeting once the demand began to fall. Why was there less demand? The depression had started and people couldn’t afford food at prices that had already been set by investors. Many products were placed in what was called “pools.” These “pools” were designed to keep prices at a stable rate.
            The problem:  people’s houses were being foreclosed, loans were being called in and soup lines were beginning to form—all the while the word from the White House was the same—“a rapid recovery is expected.” The Federal Reserve told the public it “appears to be” a slight business depression. Wall Street was not taking note of factories
closing on
Main Street
and the White House apparently didn’t read the news about “bread lines”-
stretching down
Main Street
            From the “stuff” that makes other “stuff” to the “stuff” that helps grow lots more “stuff” all the stock prices became out of proportion to consumption.
            Silver also took a hit worldwide due in part to a few of the richer nations who were busy hoarding as much gold as possible. The U.S. and France were the main culprits. WE stocked up on gold, and this shift of gold quantities to a few select countries caused calamities worldwide--in foreign lands (east-to-west). It would eventually give rise to dictators like Mussolini in Italy and Hitler (Germany) whose Nazi party took power in January of 1933. In fact, Hitler was witness to all these events as they transpired throughout the 1920’s.  The Nazi Party (NSDAP) was formed February 24, 1920.
            This new age “government sanctioned gold rush” also affected the Orient. We had over-expanded while over-inflating our credit. Our own economy could not support itself. And other countries could not buy our goods and services because they were experiencing their own financial pitfalls.  Buyers vanished and profits evaporated.
            We were on the gold standard while the rest of the world was struggling with having any kind of purchasing power.  This not only gave rise to revolutions in Europe but it also allowed for promises of the rebirth of “once great kingdoms” from Asia to the Orient.  The island nation of Japan was one of those countries “we became acquainted with” in about a decade after our financial fall.
            When jobs are scarce and folks have no buying power, it gives rise to revolutions. It also means that factories are unprofitable; not because they are non-productive, but because they are too productive.
            There was this little thing Woodrow Wilson tried to start after World War I called the League of Nations, but a Republican controlled Congress nixed that idea.
            The people seemed to agree with this new "Republican Way of Thinking."  After Wilson’s second term, Republicans held the office of the Presidency throughout the roaring twenties.
            Capitalism was king! Even poor coal miners were called traitors and socialists. Miners wanted to start a national United Mine Workers union in 1919. Per capita of mine workers, the death rate was appalling.
            The average American was tired of war (WWI), and wanted things to be “normal.” So Warren G. Harding had no problem getting elected in 1921 when he told the American people it was time for a return to “normalcy.”  Make up a word, become President.  When he took over his new post, he began hosting weekly poker games at his new residence. Warren G. Harding gambled all the china in the White House on one hand of cards.  HE LOST!
            Looking back, I guess you might call that a foreshadowing of coming events.

Hope you enjoyed the read--- Monday is Presidents' Day
It's Presidents' Day--- Plural for all of them... Except for Ulysses S. Grant- Historians rated his Administration as the worst ever due to his tolerance of CORRUPTION-
HOWEVER, As a student (a poor one at that) of history, I view Grant as a trendsetter...
He set a precedent that has lasted for a 134 years
The Corruption Accord of 1877--- Agreed upon by both Houses and the President.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Thoughts When I Died

            I thought about you when I died. I felt a little guilty but it’s the truth. Why would someone have the arrogance not to the think about HIM or HERSELF?  After all, what is death? No one really knows, but I thought about you.
            Is their an innate sense of NON-self perseveration? Sometimes I wonder.  Luckily for me, I didn’t have too long to wonder because it was a short time before I died.
            The shot was fast and immediate. I did not even hear it.  Apparently it severed my spinal cord like the wishes of  a “deer hunter.” When a hunter makes the perfect “kill shot” on a deer, its’ through and through. The deer goes down immediately and there is no need in tracking it.  It lays there where it was shot. 
            That’s what happened to me.
            I had a quick glimmer of my surroundings, but moments later I felt my body fading out of what medical personnel call “consciousness.”  With what little mind capacity I had, I called it, “the end of me.”
            I certainly don’t want to bring you down because I do hope you read the rest of the story. It’s not a huge downer even though I die in the end.  OH CRAP, I ruined it!
But you, in your twisted sense of curiosity, have to know every feeling and every thought that entered my mind. 
            What if I said I survived? Would you believe me?
            Not to worry… IT did not happen that way. SO, here is what went down- including me.
            I wrestled with living. I had doubts about dying. I saw myself as another person. I even had hallucinations about being the apostle “Luke” and we were sailing with Jesus on a fisherman’s boat.  I heard Elvis singing to me, but he was not singing a melodic tune. He was asking question after question as to why I had made the choices I had made. George Jones, who is not even dead yet, asked--- when are you going to change?
            Then, while I was in the hospital room, after the terrible gun shot wound, there was this door or portal and it looked like it simply led outside.  But there were all these people urging me to come and join them.  I was hesitant. I did not understand this scenario and no one could explain “WHY” I had to leave my bed to join the rest of the people (mainly stars) that I did not even know. All I knew was that they were dead.
            That’s when I felt the most uncomfortable. There was no light; only different "theatrical stars" that had passed on, telling me I needed to leave now!
            In my heart of hearts, I felt like my departure would be the end of me.  Would I be one of those people who visited others to let them know they need to---- “Open their eyes and Come ON Now! It’s time to see the light!”
            My thoughts drifted back to the girl I knew growing up.  We had never dated and were only friends. But I knew her when I was a kid of 12 or 13 and her kiss was magic.  I used that magic to come back to myself.  I was in a place that was unknown to me. AND that was scary. Her lips… her smile… her laugh… was the only thing that brought me back. 
            I learned a great lesson that day.
            There is no use in wrestling your demons because demons can’t wrestle; and only dreams last.  Dreams assured me of myself. Dreams are made up of truth and truth is made up of magic. But this only happens if you can hear and see the reality of a blissful and magical existence. Trust yourself to make wisdom a daily habit.  Wisdom does not work for you. You work for wisdom. Be blessed AND SHARE… Love to all!  No need for roses on the grave... they only wither.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Love at First Sight

            I took a bus up to Montana.  The reason I caught a bus was because I didn’t think my car would make it through the hard winter.  Little did I know there was a person up there that would play an instrumental role in my life.
            She was sitting across from me in a small booth. I was at the bar. I was so hungry;  I  resembled a starving transient.  We glanced at one another and she just smiled; in wondering disarray. I was smitten by her.
            You might ask, “How can someone fall in love at first sight. But it happened.”
She had clear brown eyes with a giving smile.  I, on the other hand, had disheveled hair. I was embarrassed about even staring in her general direction.
            I had to introduce myself in a way that would not make me feel uneasy.  AND my hope was that she would be receptive.
            I did the only thing I knew to do. I knocked my glass off the table so as to make the entire cafĂ© feel a bit uneasy. Once that happened, I saw an unnerving smile cross her lips.

This is a love story. It’s unexplainable. I still think it is not true. But the truth lies in an unusual situation that can only be explained between two hearts.  And now the story begins.

She had a diet coke and I had ordered a Dr. Pepper.  I glanced over and asked, “You got a problem with a Dr. Pepper?”
            She replied, “You got a problem with being nice?”
            I could tell this was going to be a difficult exchange between the two of us.
            “No,” I said. “But it is obvious to me that you have no problem with Diet Coke.”
            Without hesitation, she said, “Nope.”
            In my retort I exclaimed, “Then, I guess we need to be dating, because I have no problem with Diet Coke.”
            “Good,” she added, “Because I have no problem with humor.”
            “Great.” I commended..
            “Then maybe we should go outside and smooch in the car.”
            We both laughed.
            I then told her, "I ride Pegasus and kill Medusa for a living."
            She replied, “I kill Sasquatch for a living and OH by the way, I’m a taxidermist.”
            How often do you find someone with a sense of humor that matches yours?.

Anyway, it was great while it lasted but I had to go kill “Medusa.”
AND SHE--- SHE LIED! She had to go and play “Pac-man” – because she lied about hunting down Sasquatch.  
              I’m scared of Sasquatch!  I don't like living in the antarctic either!

Sincerity Cognizes Ants and Eats Rabbits

             Do you really think the world revolves around you?  Is there a reason for things to happen beyond your control?  Are their people who really care? 
            Sometimes I just want to sing in unison and tell others this is not all there is. AND sometimes I just wonder why?
            There once was a bug afraid out its own mind.  He was afraid of mice… snakes, ants and even trouble that could cause the death of the small bug.
            Why are we afraid of the dark?  Why are we afraid of things that are not even known?  Why are there questions that pervade all our thoughts?
            The answer is not simple but the questions given are even more difficult.
            We are a race of people who race and even get pullled under water by snaping turtles; and yet we are not “afraid.”
            Take time and live.  Enjoy yourself.  Enjoy others.  Take pleasure in knowing that you are unique.  
            I’ll be the first to admit that I have been made “fun of.”  I’m the first to admit that it has made me a better person – I want to know the faults that others see in me—I want to improve!
            I will never say, “I can’t believe you said that about me.”   BUT I will be the first to say, “thank you,” for saying that about me --- Most Likely, IT’S the truth!!!!
            I live with myself and I am HAPPY--- do the same!

            I love you all and PEACE be with you… Let it happen.
--- That’s all for this Blog… Love-  KEV

Monday, February 14, 2011

POST-Valen-pocolyptic WRONGS U Done

I HAVE SEEN THE FUTURE!!!!!  And all I did was look at the stars.
I had a “post valen-pocalyptic” vision.  It’s time to reveal Valentine’s mishaps made by each sign. FYI- If these made up facts did not happen to you on Valentine’s Day; then disregard- (this year).  AND REMEMBER-- The Cards Never Lie!- They just Fib a lot!

Aquarium (Jan 21-Feb. 19)
   Take NOTE!  Next time, comb all the food chunks out of your “soul patch.”
   For the Ladies: Next year, don’t worry about waxing those tiny hairs on the small of your back---- they are SOOO freakin’ sexy to us fellows!

Fish, Blue Gill, Pisces and such (Feb. 20-March 20)
   Golfing is not the best Valentine present.
    For the Ladies:  Just tell him… that was not cool… and then say “Golfing?”  - “Your dad give you that idea? Oh by the way, it was great of your dad to show up on the 3rd green and join us on Valentine’s Day! --- Lovely.”  

NAries (March 21-April 20)
  Your romantic disposition helps acquire numerous flirtations… from midgets.
  For the Male:  You can not “hang” a midget as a pre-trial diversion.   

Tires (April 21-May 21)
  Your stubborn disposition gives way to buying flowers for your “special someone.” Don’t leave the sticker on that says ‘Thanks for Shopping at BP.”
   For the Ladies: Your paranoia is founded in truth.

Jim & I (May 22-June 21)
   You’re paranoid about Valentine’s Day.  Snap out of it!  Your paranoia screwed everything up for you.  Even your dog is nervous.
    For the Female:  Showing off your intellect ruined the day.  Next time, take some duct tape and shut up!

Canker(June 22-July 22)
  You are great with kids… you Should NOT have mentioned that at dinner.
   For the male:  Thank goodness you didn’t bring up “kids.”  Now she’ll call you back on Thursday.
   The male and female of these two signs are goofy… BUT that’s OK because they are usually richer than all the other signs combined

CLeo (July 23-Aug. 22)
    You had a great time and imagined having a date… it’s a good thing you have a great imagination.
    For the Female:  How can you live with yourself? THREE dates simultaneously on Valentine’s Day?

Vertigo (Aug. 23-Sept. 23)
   With your charm you got a discount on you meal.  You’re going to feel guilty all week and you will invest all you savings raising chickens to feed “third world counties.”
   For the Male:  You tried to help third world countries with a huge helicopter meat drop… too bad turkeys can’t fly. You’re getting sued by PETA now.
Libra kadabra (Sept. 24-Oct. 23)
   You’re easy going.  That’s why your girlfriend was surprised when you beat up a “biker gang” (Seven of them) while having dinner at an expensive restaurant.
    For the Female: You’re easy going.  That’s why your boyfriend was surprised by you beating up a “biker gang” while having dinner at an expensive restaurant.

Crawdad (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)
    You like being in charge.  When your credit card was denied, you were surprised.  Now you truly believe doing dishes sucks!
    For the Male: You thought about where you might take your Valentine. You were indecisive.  Now your girlfriend will never eat another “TV dinner.” 

Satch-YOU-tarry-us (Nov. 23-Dec. 22)
  You’re generous but your boyfriend did not appreciate you inviting the guy “sitting all alone” over to your table.
  For the FemaleYour boyfriend is just not happy with your relationship.  Break up with him and make him feel better.

Capricorny (Dec. 23-Jan. 20)
  You were not moody during your dinner date, which prompted your boyfriend to ask, “What’s wrong?”  This was a huge mistake on his part because the ensuing argument led to his arrest.
    For the Male:  Screw Valentine’s Day

Sunday, February 13, 2011

The Hokiescopes 4 Valendays

Aquarium (Jan 21-Feb. 19)
   You dislike interference from others, however helpfully intended, but this week, you will make an exception and allow someone to bag your groceries without getting into another fight.
Fish, Blue Gill, Pisces and such (Feb. 20-March 20)
  You sometimes exist emotionally rather than rationally. Your logic is that whales are mammals, and they are fish, therefore fish are mammals. But fish still taste fishy and you don’t trust them.
NAries (March 21-April 20)
  Your Don Juan-like mind set could get you in trouble.  This week, you may want to think about dolphins or paper cuts... something to keep your mind off the opposite sex.
  By doing this, you will forego the embarrassment of not recognizing an incoming cell phone number and accidentally answering it in front of that “special someone.”
Tires (April 21-May 21)
  You may have feelings of paranoia.  These weeks, put away those thoughts, but don’t forget where you put them or someone might steal them and use them against you!  Watch it now!
Jim & I (May 22-June 21)
  You have quite an appetite for knowledge. This week, be sure and get a side order of wisdom, because knowledge without wisdom is like roots without trees. And you can’t tell a goats age by the shape of its tale.
Canker(June 22-July 22)
  Your sign makes a good youth leader. So this week you may attend a boy’s or girl’s scout meeting and make your announcement.  They may escort you out of the meeting, but that’s OK, your sign also makes a good hitchhiker.
CLeo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You may be imaginative and that makes you prone to fantasy.  This week, you will regret to inform yourself about an upcoming event with dignitaries and smurfs, and that may put you a little on edge.
  Later you may tell yourself, “the lunatic is in my head,” and worries be gone! Can’t you see yourself on the darkside of the moon?
Vertigo (Aug. 23-Sept. 23)
  You are genuinely affectionate and charming. But you already know that. In fact, someone may make a compliment about your charm bracelet when you’re not even wearing one.
  You may reply, “Thank you.” And then say something like, “Have you met my imaginary friend, Beaureguard?”
Libra kadabra (Sept. 24-Oct. 23)
  You’re easy going and sociable. But, this week, you may find yourself complaining about a neighbor’s lawn mower. Then you will promptly buy them a new, Robo Mower.
  When they refuse to use it, you will will plead your case by telling them it six mowing heights, a rechargeable battery, bumper sensor, three mulching blades... and it is “whisper quiet.”
Crawdad (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)
  You like being persuasive and you don’t like being taken advantage of.  This week, you may get a job as the oldest sibling.
Satch-YOU-tarry-us (Nov. 23-Dec. 22)
  You have extreme care at handling your resources and your generous. This week, find time to unbalance your checkbook and try to take something back from your community, but don’t get arrested!
Capricorny (Dec. 23-Jan. 20)
  “Capricious” is the term associated with your sign.  You may be extra moody this week, but your witty retorts will make for a great book or something;at least, a slogan on a bumper sticker or a refrigerator magnet.

All other sign should disagree... start you some kind of a blog now!!!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Doctor's Side Effects

Scene:  Opens at the doctor’s office… Dr. walks in and clears his throat. Patient waits patiently for the diagnosis.

Dr:   Well, Mr. Curious, everything checks out fine. You’re free to leave. (Doctor pulls out his prescription pad and begins to write on it.)

Mr. C:  What are you writing, Doc?

Dr:  I’m giving you a prescription.

Mr. C:  Why?  I thought I was fine.

Dr:  You are, but there’s no reason to break my routine.

Mr. C:  OK. (Pauses and looks a bit puzzled)  Do you think I’ll need that “invasive surgery” we talked about?

Dr:  There’s no doubt in my mind.

Mr. C:  Should I go ahead and schedule it?

Dr:  I would

Mr. C:  OK, IF it’s for the best…

Dr:   It is.

Mr. C:  Sure.

Dr:  It’s a good idea.

Mr. C:  You bet.

Dr:  No use in waiting 40 years.

Mr. C:  No doubt

Dr:  It’s a good decision! It does requires a different prescription (Wads up his prescription sheet and tosses it in the trash).

Mr. C:  Good.

Dr:  Might as well start you on the meds today and schedule surgery for next week!

Mr. C:  No use in waiting, I suppose.

Dr:  Not at all.

Mr. C: Is it normal to start the medication before the surgery?

Dr:  Not at all. 

Mr. C:  But I need to start it today?

Dr:  You sure do!

Mr. C: OK.   (A puzzled look on Mr. Curious’ face)

Dr:  I have to tell you, your body is made up of cells. It will respond the same as 40% of my patients.

Mr. C: I think I understand.

Dr:  You want the side effects, don’t you?

Mr. C:   Sure!

Dr:   Thought you would.

Mr. C:  What are they?

Dr:  Different for everyone.

Mr. C:  Really?

Dr:  You… (Places hands on his shoulders as if to size him up) I’m guessing… with your size and weight… you’ll experience almost every side effect without any problems.

Mr. C:  Great! What can I expect?

Dr:   Oh, the usual… some nausea, impaired muscle formation,  irritability and short tempers,  hostility, homicidal impulses,  rapid loss of mental clarity,  amnesia,  kidney failure,  diarrhea, tingling or cramping in the legs,  inability to walk,  problems sleeping,  constipation, &  erectile dysfunction.

Mr. C:  No headaches?

Dr:  No headaches.

Mr. C:  Thank goodness!  I hate having headaches.

Dr:  That last medication I gave you sure did stir up the migraines, huh?

Mr. C:  It sure did! (they both laugh).

Dr:  If you want I can give you a refill.

Mr. C:  Is that for the best?

Dr:  Sure is!

Mr. C:  OK.

Dr:  And you can thank me later.

Mr. C:  Forget later. I’m thanking you now.

Dr:  What are doctors for?  (They both laugh again) Side effects are part of the cure.

Mr. C:  I sure wouldn’t want to miss out on a cure.

Dr:  Can’t let that happen.  (Pats him on the shoulder)

Mr. C:  Super.

Dr:  Not on my watch. (Doctor smiles and nods in a reassuring fashion)

Mr. C:  (breathes a sigh of relief) I don’t know what I would do without you Doc.

Dr:  I don’t know what I would do without me either! (Both laugh again)  Here you go. (Hands him a new script) You’ve been in my office long enough. No use in torturing you any further. Go on. Go home and start experiencing those side effects.

Mr. C:  Thanks Doc. (exits scene)

Dr:  That felt good. I remember why I became a doctor now… (Shakes his head and walks off)

Friday, February 11, 2011

It Happened in Time

            Albert was much younger than Thomas.  He knew he had a daunting task ahead of him. The goal was simple but the rules were governed. The challenge had been made and there was no turning back. The fight was “on,” and the end result would mean “undisputed destiny” for the winner; while the loser would squander at the bottom of the page as only an historical footnote. IT was a coin toss as to who would win.
            As the crowd shuffled in, Albert gave them a grin and Thomas scoffed and cussed a bit.  The arena was vast with enormous historical figures brimming over the clouds out of the heavens to watch this epic battle. At this point, both ‘iconic gods’ of their time were in deep concentration.
            The elder statesman had let his ego outweigh everything else. So, on his own birthday, Thomas issued a challenge. HE was furious about all the accolades given to Albert. Thomas, after all, had exclusive rights to over one thousand patented and proven tools designed for this contest. They both had their own style; each with unique perceptive qualities.  Throw all physical strength out of the equation.  This match would take mental agility & impromptu moves to divide the two equals. A line was chalked between them and the battle would begin.
            The crowd was quick to silence when Albert began to speak.  At first his voice was soft and direct; but then it intensified with an echo punching a hole in the clouds. Space began to bend and streams of air gave way to words; clear, concise and in precision with time. A mass of historical figures felt his weighted breath and were wary, even of a whisper.  
            Albert issued a decree.  In his Germanic vernacular, he barked, “Thomas, we don’t have to do this you know… Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools!”
            The peaceful calm fell into a low rumble of whispers.  Were these the words of a coward or a stroke of genius? Albert had forced Thomas to hesitate. It was obvious. Thomas, “the instigator” had begun to question the moral aim of his own directives.  This “Giant” from the land where eagles soared, paused, examining facial expressions of all attendees.
            Sitting next to each other, Genghis Kahn & Alexander the Great lifted their chins, as if to urge the two rivals to battle.  Disgusted, Winston puffed a large volley of smoke into the air; while Franklin Delano took a chance to glance at Jefferson as if to say, ‘Who’s your money on, Enlightened One?’  Then, by tapping his sword on the front of his shield, Leonidas brought calm back to the event.
            Thomas then beamed and looked more relaxed. He whisked his finger into the air and said, “Albert Einstein! I’m responsible for ‘moving your image’ through history.”
            Albert resisted only with a nod and a smile but added, “Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish.”
            “Religion is all bunk!” exclaimed Thomas. Then he noted, “Who are you to judge?  I am proud of the fact that I never invented weapons to kill!”           
            Albert declared, “Thomas Edison! Didn’t you once say, ‘What a man's mind can create, man's character can control?”
            “Yes!” said Edison.
            “And the value of an idea lies in the using of it?’”
            “YES! I said that and I stand by it!!”
            Einstein swallowed and looked to the ground. 
            In a gesture of sorts, his arms opened up as he looked up and said, "Mr. Edison, Where do you think the light came from that I used to study by?”
            Edison took a heavy breath and just stared at his new friend.

Thomas Edison’s birthday today… Edison, the “Inventor”: Phonograph (record player), motion pictures, & the most famous invention, the light bulb.  And perhaps unwittingly contributed to a number of other inventions

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Simple Thoughts

Poverty & Fashion, Country style: 
The best thing about being a poor child growing up in the 1970’s was living in a small town. We didn’t live near anyone so we didn’t realize how poor we were. Could we afford chain guards for our bikes? Nope. Do you think the fashion designers got a big “funny laugh” out of watching the poor kids play? Yup! I can hear them laughing, and “chatting” amongst themselves. The scene is set. It’s mid-1960, AND with a “space-race mentality” they are thinking ahead to the next generation. Four top “fashion engineers” are sitting in a circle; burning incense in a New York City apartment. As they gaze at a new design for jeans, they begin the conversation.
            1: “That’s interesting.”
            2: “Yes it is…”
            3:  “What do you call it?”
            4:  “I call them “bell bottoms.”
            1:  “Oh really?”
            2:  “Odd…”
            3:  “Sweet…”
            1:  “I think I like it.”
            4:  “You want to know why I call them “bell bottoms?”
            1:  “Oh do tell.”
            2:  “Please.”
            3:  “I’m thrusting inside”
            1:  In angst… I am… Is it not the way they look?  Like A Bell.”
             4: “No silly, it’s designed for all the poor kids from Tennessee who can’t afford Bicycle Chain Guards. They’ll get their britches hooked in the chain at high rates of speed; thus causing their little bicycles to come to a sudden stop and landing them on their noggins.”
            1: “Sweet.”
            2: “Delicious”
            3: “I love it.”
            4: “They’ll have their little “bells rung” every time they attempt an Evil Knievel.”
            2.  I’m Panting!!"
            3. “What’s an Evil Knievel?”
            4. “Trying to jump a POND you juvenile!”
            2.  Oh, playful!
            1. “I Hate pond scum.”
            3:  “A plenty….”

It's a good thing tube socks were also popular at the time. That’s where I stuck the bottom of my jeans when I was riding my bike.  Like Hank Jr. says, “A Country Boy Can Survive.”  It’s the art of ingenuity. 
But that got me to thinking the fashion “industry” can’t be all bad. There had to be a “Pretender” somewhere in the mix.
SO just like Jackson Browne told me to do, I said my "Prayer for the Pretender."  
By the term, “Pretender,” I mean some “chic stylist” who felt sorry for poor little country boys and came up with the idea of popularizing tube socks about the same time “bell-bottoms” were “in.”  Thank you for deeming us as “human” and saving our collective lives!

Regarding Valentine's Day:
Though Christmas has past and Valentine's Day is near we’ve lingered in silence far too long. Does anyone else remember having to jump up to kiss a girl while she’s standing under the mistletoe?  It’s one of the sexiest memories of childhood. There’s nothing sweeter than crashing into your “sweetheart” and bloodying her lip with your forehead. It’s best if she’s not expecting it. I understand now why girls hated wearing braces. But the lesson learned is this: You can not really “die” of embarrassment. That’s’ good.