Do not take this blog seriously, and don't drive and read!

Monday, March 28, 2011

Hokiescopes (Week of March 28 –April 2, 2011)

Since the WorLD WiDe wEb is full of predictions and horoscopes, then I must declare my piece of the “MOON-PIE!”
This web-log will prove its lack of awareness about the future by posting a drowsy consciousness pertaining to hold the keys to the future. Unlock the secrets of your sign as we peer skyward through the eyes of this week’s Hokiescopes  
(And you don’t even have to sign up for anything!)

Week of March 28–April 2, 2011)

Aquarium (Jan 21-Feb. 19)
  Your sign is known for psychic healing abilities. The only problem is: All the crazies seem to come out of the woodwork asking you for help.
   This week, forget the healing part and get in touch with you psychic talent. Make yourself conveniently unavailable when someone shows up on your doorstep.
   Also, don’t tell people about that end of the world thing that’s supposed happen –‘you know when’- It could cause a global panic.
Fish, Blue Gill, Pisces and such (Feb. 20-March 20)
  Don’t be afraid to fail. In a crises, you can be counted. Take that management job... YOU CAN DO IT! 
  But if you do get nervous and can’t pull off the “big Deal,” just blame it on the stars. Be prepared to beg for your old job back. After all, you are well liked by others. And you can beg better than an old loyal dog!
NAries (March 21-April 20)
 You make it hard for others to relate to you. But don’t let that get in the way of building that community “frog gigging” palace you’ve always dreamed of...
  Just because the idea failed in Wisconsin, doesn’t mean it won’t work here. Maybe it just needs a name change; turn “Favre’s Frog Gigging Complex” into “Fred’s Frog Giggin’ Single Saloon Pond-(slogan)-Bring the Youngins and Gig Ye Some.
Tires (April 21-May 21)
  Beauty cannot be owned, only appreciated. You subscribe to this theory. Your neighbors may know you subscribe to this theory.
  It has nothing to do with your internet practices... It could have something to do with a certain magazine delivered (in a black plastic sleeve) to your doorstep each month.
Jim & I (May 22-June 21)
  You’re able to control the world around you with your ingenuity and cleverness. 
  This makes you a perfect passenger when your friend gets pulled over this week. Plus, it helps that you’ve seen every episode of COPS. You know exactly how not to respond to certain questions; after all, you’re “just a passenger,” right?  
Canker(June 22-July 22)
   You don’t like “aggravating situations,” and “being told what to do.” Best advice; don’t go riding around with a Jim & I this week.
Cle-O (July 23-Aug. 22)
  Your inclination to deceive outweighs your better judgment sometimes.
  This week, however, just like Mrs. Frisby, you will save the day. And you won’t need any assistance from of the Rats of NIMH.
Vertigo (Aug. 23-Sept. 23)
  You are outwardly cheerful, but deep inside you may be hurting. You ran for President once and nobody even noticed.
  All you need is about 700,000 signatures to get on the ballot in all 50 states. You were about 699,998 shy last time. Oh! And you are not allowed to sign for your dog.
  It’s time to take a nice vacation to Narnia.
Libra kadabra (Sept. 24-Oct. 23)
  The symbol associated with your sign is the scales of balance.  That’s the only reason you can balance a banana on your nose. 
  This week, try balancing two bananas on your nose.
Crawdad (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)
  You are energetic and have intense feelings. 
  This week, back down on the energy drinks. Your boss will yell at you. When this happens, say, “Snuggle my inner-self,”-- ten times fast!
Satch-YOU-Terry-Us (Nov. 23-Dec. 22)
  You may demand too much of your colleagues. This is more evident than usual this week.
  Suggestion: Wear a shirt with a picture of a house on it... and pretend you are a snail.  
   In your “mind’s eye,” this will make you as non-productive as your co-workers!
Capricorny (Dec. 23-Jan. 20)
  You have a wit and flippancy that makes you a good entertainer.
  This week, entertain the thought of taking your job seriously.
  Ok… take a deep breath.  Now that you’ve entertained the thought, take a vacation.

Last time & the time before that and so on, I think we said we might discuss what each sign means.  You never can tell what the future holds… SO Just Hang in There!  Maybe it will happen next week!
For instance the sign for Tires (April 21-May 21) is a Bull.  What would a bull have to do with tires?  Tune in next week for the answer—OR NOT….

TO: The Undiscovered Sign:
(The sign the stars refuse to shine on… just yet)
The United States has over 300 million people. We have almost two toilets per person. That is why your species decided to settle in the U.S.  That Roswell thing… genius! Put up a sign and say, “Sit your space butt down here!” Your alien species is so novel to think of settling in a place where toilets will outnumber your population for a while…

MY BROTHER’S CONTRIBUTION-  Some extra reading for you… because this is great!
The Greatest Invention Ever- By My Brother…

 “What’s the greatest invention ever?”
  I pondered and pondered and put my two cents worth in, but I may need at least a nickel to solve this one.
  I was watching ESPN- Sportscenter and a Viagra commercial came on, so I started thinking 'bout medicine.   
  Candidates from the medical community include:  penicillin-pretty good stuff.  Helped stop a lot of infections.  
  Pasteurization?  Good idea-helped milk last a whole lot longer, but then again, so did the refrigerator.
  Vaccinations?  Yeah, they helped us avoid a lot of nasty bugs that would have killed a lot of folks. 
  Chemo-therapy?  Sure… saves lives while causing a significant amount of discomfort.  But it really is only applicable to a small population.
  Engineers are proud of their unique, albeit unknown, heritage. 
  The vast majority of true inventions came from an obscure corner of some engineer's brain-the auto, the cotton gin, electricity, the Pez dispenser, the light bulb, oh…our list could go on and on. 
  Well.. I may not be an engineer, but I know some and that qualifies me to establish the criteria for identifying what the greatest invention ever really is. 
  Very simply-I would boil it down to the following:
  What has had the most positive impact on the most people in the world?

  Well… I'm delaying again, so it is now time to reveal what the greatest invention ever really is.

  The Greatest Invention ever is the "Toilet" - Now before you start laughing and thinking "Gee, that knucklehead must have thought of that while sitting on the porcelain throne," which is true, that's where I realized it. Just think for a second. 
  The genius involved in the design of the toilet is absolutely brilliant.  The sheer simplicity and almost non-existent need for moving parts virtually assures a reliable system that rarely fails.   
  Failures of the toilet are most often a direct result of Operator Error-yep, system overload.
  The toilet is an oft overlooked luxury of modern life.  I know-many of you reading this are thinking, "That's a bunch of malarkey-there are lots of things more important than the toilet." 
  Or you are saying "Jeeez louis-I've got by just fine with my outhouse for 40 years." 
  True-maybe you have, but for those of you out there who actually do leave the Hill Country on occasion and wonder down to the city, you may have never thought about it, but you are sure glad all them folks in the "City" don't get by with an outhouse.
  Let's think about it-a typical farm family of 5-7 has a one or two-seater outhouse. 
  On any given summer day, ya can't walk within 30 yards of it without holding ya nose. 
  Now, think of a city the size of Nashville (65,000 people) with NO Toilets???? Think about it folks…. Ugh.
  What makes America so much better and more powerful than all them little wannabe countries? 
  It ain't the nuclear warheads or the 1 million fighting men and women that are ready to totally flatten enemies on short notice.   
  Nope, it's cause 99% of us have at least one indoor toilet.
  In fact, with 285 million people in the country, we have almost two Toilets per person---much better than anybody else.
  So-the next time you are perched on your porcelain throne, boys and girls, stop and think about the amazing invention that you are at that moment the sole operator of….
  And give thanks to John Harrington, J.F. Brondel-inventors of the water closet and modern valve-type toilet and also to Thomas Crapper-the man that made many improvements and brought us the modern day porcelain throne.
    Applause sign please!
  Also, what if Crapper had invented the “clapper?” It would never even be necessary to touch the toilet when you’re done.
   Just clap and woosh!
   Clap, and woooosh!
   Clap, and wooooooosh!
  Sure would make truck stop restrooms more appealing huh?  Of course, it would also sound like an ESPN ballgame was playing in the restroom.

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