Since the WorLD WiDe wEb is full of predictions and horoscopes, then I must declare my piece of the “MOON-PIE!”
This web-log will prove its lack of awareness about the future by posting a drowsy consciousness pertaining to hold the keys to the future. Unlock the secrets of your sign as we peer skyward through the eyes of this week’s Hokiescopes
(And you don’t even have to sign up for anything!)
Week of March 21–March 26, 2011)
Aquarium (Jan 21-Feb. 19)
Your sign is ruled by the Planet, Uranus. It takes that planet 84 earth years to complete the cycle of the Zodiac.
It takes you just about as long to get ready for a special occasion, but this week you will be faster than a frightened walrus and able to leap small, man made structures in a quadruple bound, so your getting quicker.
Fish, Blue Gill, Pisces and such (Feb. 20-March 20)
Your indecisiveness in most affairs will work to your advantage this week.
You will not have to pay for an expensive meal. After all, you can't decide where to go eat. And “Dutch-Treat” is awesome when you ain't got no cash.
You can always tell when Donald Trump decides to go “Dutch-Treat” to a meal because at the end of the main course he looks at his date and says, “You’re fired!”
NAries (March 21-April 20)
Your sign is too often associated with anger and violence, but you've never been a featured guest on the television show COPS.
Your luck is about to change this week.
Tires (April 21-May 21)
Katherine Hepburn is a Tires and so is Carol Burnett, so if your name has a "ka" sound or a "ca" sound in it… brag a little bit this week.
But just remember: a "ca" sound or the "ka" sound is not what makes you popular. It may have to do with the end of your name… for instance, the “urn” or “ett” sound might be influential when the stars determine a Tires fate.
Either way, certain sounds have become key elements to human language. Remember when Haas, on Bonanza used to ask, “
, where’s little Joe?” Remember that? Yeah, that was pretty cool. Hey Pa
Remember when Laura, on Little House on the Prairie, would say, “But Pa, it was Nelly’s fault!” and Michael Landon (her Pa) would say, “Don’t worry half-pint; we’ll get to the bottom of it.” Remember that?
And remember in the movie, The Outlaw Josey Wales, when that guy looked down at the red headed kid and yelled, “I ain’t your Pa !” AND then Josey pulled his pistol and shot that guy between the eyes… Yup! Remember that?
Good thing Hoss Cartwright and Laura Ingalls never met Josey Wales. It’s hard to believe you can set a man off just by saying the word, “
Jim & I (May 22-June 21)
You are in constant need of new interests in your life. And you can be quite creative.
You would love to snorkel. You would also love to take a hot-air balloon ride.
But please restrain yourself from getting creative. DON’T fill the “balloon basket” with water snorkel while riding in the hot-air balloon.
Canker(June 22-July 22)
You may be a little more moody this week than normal.
Only you and your first dog know why you hate a certain make and model car. Others don't need to hear the story… again.
Cle-O (July 23-Aug. 22)
You are an extrovert to the max!
But today solitude is your best friend.
Take time to relax and enjoy a nice, big Hershey’s chocolate bar. If you accidentally fall into a vat of chocolate, yell “FIRE!” -Because no one will save you if you yell, “Chocolate.”- Good advice from the Smother’s Brothers!
It would be just like falling into a water tower filled with lemonade. No one would save you if you yelled, “Lemonade!” It would be like the boy who cried, “Wolf.” Who’s going to believe someone would fill a water tower with lemonade? That’d be silly.
Vertigo (Aug. 23-Sept. 23)
Virtigos start more projects they never finish than just about any other sign.
This week you may surprise yourself, and finish that special… (Insert finished sentence here).
Libra kadabra (Sept. 24-Oct. 23)
You hate losing! When someone beats you at something you're truly good at, it really frustrates you.
Frustration this week is inevitable. Ever tried yoga? It might work better than payback. The usual (tired) old criminal mischief you normally embrace actually counts as a felony in most states.
Crawdad (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)
If you dislike someone, you can be blunt almost to the point of cruelty. But today try to send a nice greeting card to one of your least favorite persons.
When they “thank you” for it, just say, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Your emotional rollercoaster will include: righteous decency on your behalf, comedic relief on your behalf, obvious cruelty on your behalf, and detached reckless disregard of sympathy on your behalf.
You will be a neon beacon of your sign enjoying the spoils of what the stars foretold. Now, don’t feel bad. Remember, the stars may fib, but they never lie!
Satch-YOU-Terry-Us (Nov. 23-Dec. 22)
Sometimes you're careless and lawless, but sometimes you're jovial and generous…
Try to split the difference of your earnings this week. Divide your wages evenly among the Church and State – After paying off the tickets, STOP SPEEDING!
Capricorny (Dec. 23-Jan. 20)
You always thought camels were cool looking creatures.
The movie Star Wars had camels dressed up like some other creature and you always thought that was cool… These thoughts have nothing to do with getting a loan from your banker this week!
There is also a prevailing wind – I’m sensing something you should not do in the enclosed room with your banker. I can’t see it… and my nose is stopped up so I can only guess that it has something to do with farting.
Last time, I think we said we might discuss what each sign means. You never can tell what the future holds… SO Just Hang in There! Maybe it will happen next week!
For instance the sign for Tires (April 21-May 21) is a Bull. What would a bull have to do with tires? Tune in next week for the answer—OR NOT….
TO: The Undiscovered Sign:
(The sign the stars refuse to shine on… just yet)
You will actually try and get arrested this week to break your friend-- or relative out of jail. My vision is fuzzy – kind of like your thought process. I see you standing on a corner imitating a dog a barking loudly. An officer is there but I can’t make out what he is saying. All I see is a sign that says, “No Parking.”