Hokiescopes (Week of March 13 –March 19, 2011)

Since the WorLD WiDe wEb is full of predictions and horoscopes, then I must declare my piece of the “MOON-PIE!”

This web-log will prove its lack of awareness about the future by posting a drowsy consciousness pertaining to hold the keys to the future. Unlock the secrets of your sign as we peer skyward through the eyes of this week’s Hokiescopes  

(And you don’t even have to sign up for anything!)

Week of March 13 –March 19, 2011)

Aquarium (Jan 21-Feb. 19)

   You don’t like excessive loneliness. And sometimes it’s hard for you to stay in a room by yourself for longer than ten minutes.

   This week, learn how to talk to yourself. Be loud and be proud! Don’t just let the voices in your head RAMBLE on and TELL YOU what to do.  

   Learn how to argue with yourself and disregard the looks from others at work.  

   You can even “pretend” like you’re talking on the cell phone.

Fish, Blue Gill, Pisces and such (Feb. 20-March 20)

    Your sign is said to make a good detective.

    In July of 1980 Phil Collins had a hit song called, “Sussudio.” You are still trying to figure out what the word means.

   You missed "The David Letterman Show" when Collins admitted, he made up that word.  It’s just a made up word! Sorry you missed that episode of Letterman.

   Oh well. Now it’s time to find out what a Gaga, a Bieber, & a Sussudio have in common. Hint: If you're thinking “Canopus,” you’re half-way “Sirius.”

NAries (March 21-April 20)

   You always have to have a cause to fight for... such is the nature of your sign.

   You are a ram!  Even when you parallel park, you don’t see any problem with ramming the vehicle in front of and behind you to get the perfect spot. Your mind says, “Ram it!” But the stars say, “Stop that!”

   Don’t do that anymore! Quit it.

Tires (April 21-May 21)

   You have an uncanny ability to suppress your feelings. You also like to analyze your dreams. 

   This week, you may have a dream you are walking down a garden path only to find bowling balls at the end of your watermelon vines. You will feel used and betrayed… like a “sucker.” But your dream just means that the “red” tomatoes (pictured on the package) you planted, are actually “yellow” tomatoes.

   Also, FYI… Do Not fall asleep in a car lot.

   You will also find a lucky rabbit and name her “Harvey.”

Jim & I (May 22-June 21)

   Get out of that superficial mindset and stop thinking about all the cool things your neighbors have.

   This week, take a hike or a cruise or just go fishing.  If the guy next to you catches a bigger fish, keep crossing his line until he leaves.  

Canker(June 22-July 22)

   You tend to put things off until the last minute.

   This week, make it point to go ahead and buy something for Halloween.

Cle-O (July 23-Aug. 22)

   Jennifer Lopez was born under your sign.

   This week you may watch “American Idol” and think to yourself, “Hey, that judge there, is the same sign as me!”

   You may not watch American Idol and think to yourself, “Wow, I didn’t know Jennifer and I had the same sign…”

   Whatever happens, just remember Jennifer barely made it. She was born on July 23^rd. She was almost a Canker.

Vertigo (Aug. 23-Sept. 23)

   You have an irregular way of coping with stress... this week you should take down the pictures in your office and repair the holes in the wall.

    Here you go… you’ll love this!  You share the same sign as Charlie Sheen.  Charlie was born Sept. 3, 1965.   Hey Charlie, the same applies to you buddy. Take down the pictures and repair the holes in the wall.

Libra kadabra (Sept. 24-Oct. 23)

  The situations that make you ill at ease are only minor irritations to other signs. 

  But this week, you may make it a point to irritate everyone in any given situation. You should just relax. Chewing gum (loudly) is relaxing.

  Relaxing music for the male Libra kadabra would include: Mettallica, Motorhead, & Tool. 

  For the female: Taking your time at the check out can be very relaxing. Relaxing music for you would include: Iron Maiden, Motorhead, & Korn.

Crawdad (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)

  If people tend to ignore you or walk away when you walk up, it’s not because you smell funny. It’s because they are not the boss.

  This week, bribing employees will make you friends.

  Calvin Klein was born under your sign but this week, you might tell someone, “Calvin Kein is no friend of mine. I don’t want nobody’s name on my behind.”

Satch-YOU-Terry-Us (Nov. 23-Dec. 22)

   If you seem anchored in one spot and unable to move forward, it’s because you have a lousy job and your apartment (if you rent) is not worth the monthly expense.

   If you own a home, your job is great! It’s just your neighbors that irritate you. How does it feel to be anchored to that spot?

Capricorny (Dec. 23-Jan. 20)

    If you’re tired of doing a certain project, then just quit it.  Or do the next best thing and shame your spouse into finishing it for you.   If you don’t, you’re likely to end up in prison.

   Not really. 

   But that project will never get done if someone else doesn’t do it!

Last time, I think we said we might discuss what each sign means.  You never can tell what the future holds… SO Just Hang in There!  Maybe it will happen next week!

For instance the sign for Tires (April 21-May 21) is a Bull.  What would a bull have to do with tires?  Tune in next week for the answer—OR NOT….

TO: The Undiscovered Sign:

(The sign the stars refuse to shine on… just yet)

Your shoes don’t fit and you can’t take them back because gravity is not the same on this planet.

Been Waitin’ For the Bus All Day

School daze

    I rode the bus to school from the time I was in kindergarten on up through the … well, almost all of high school- but that’s something that I’ll have to deal with over time;  even though it’s been, OH… a long time since graduation.  I used to dread getting up at 5:30am to be  one of the first students on the bus at 6:45am; only to be one of the last students exiting the bus at somewhere around 4:00 or 4:30pm.  I whined and complained about it all the time; until I heard "how" my dad made it to school.

    I remember stories about how dad had to “walked to school in the snow with old shoes, no socks, and it was up hill both ways.” 

    And I thought to myself, how could that be? Was Pickett County that bad? It's a rural area of Tennessee but give me a break. Was the entire school year consumed by a blizzard? And in the winter, why didn’t the school superintendent just shut down schools? How could he leave them open; knowing his students had to walk all that way dressed in “old shoes filled with holes, wearing no socks- WALKING UP HILL… BOTH WAYS?”

    Then I thought to myself, “My dad is a pretty big guy.”
    Why didn’t he just steal some poor kid’s socks and shoes, and figure out an alternate route to where he didn’t have to walk to school UP HILL BOTH WAYS?

    But then I figured it out.  My dad is a pretty nice guy, and he wouldn’t steal from anyone. The only part of the story that I thought he was “fibbing” about was the “up hill both ways” part… that is, until later in my life when he showed me one day where his school was in comparison to where his house was… and YES, there were big hills - both ways!

     It was then that I had a new respect for Dad, his brother and his sisters.  They must have wanted to go to school pretty bad to have to walk that far. And I’m sure when it was snowing, there was no reason to shut down schools. After all, how would they even get the word out that schools were closed?

     Most families didn’t own a TV where Dad lived, and most of those who owned a radio only had WSM on the dial.  Do you think WSM in Nashville is going to break away from the Grand Ol’ Opry  or the Lone Ranger, to say, “Hey, Pickett County Schools are closed because of the snow.”

    No way dude!  Radio was a brand new form of “entertainment.” They hadn’t figured out that whole “breaking news” thing yet… or even “good informational news.” And yet, in my humble opinion, I think maybe THESE days they have figured out that whole “breaking news” thing a little TOO MUCH.

    Trust me.  We'll know when Charlie Sheen farts long before we hear the Gaddafi crises has ended.

    It's no one's fault I guess.  Instant access to instant information is just a part of "our time."  

    At the risk of sounding old, I'll use the old cliche: BACK in my day... when the sun was shining, my brother and I used to enjoy walking the mile and half to and from school.  But that was a different time. You rarely saw a car and even without a single sidewalk, it was a pretty safe to walking distance.  You only had to listen and watch for one big yellow thing.  The bus would pass you going sbout 50 miles per hour. Nice to know some things haven’t changed.  But it only took about 35 minutes to walk home.  Riding the bus took at least 45 minutes to an hour. So of course, walking was the coolest thing to do! 

     And I remember a time when 5^th or 6^th  graders would laugh at other 5^th or 6^th  graders whose parents brought them to school or picked them up at school.  NOW, I reckin it’s the “in” thing.  Back then when you were 11 or 12, you didn’t EVEN want to be seen being dropped off by your parents. 

    They say kids are growing up faster these days. But I don’t think so.  I think they grew up faster when my dad was a kid… slower when I was a kid… and even slower today.  But with the news media hype about abductions, gangs, pure evil, etc… I reckin times are different. And as the REO Speedwagon song says, “We gotta roll with the changes.”

     But I think if I were in 2^nd or 3^rd grade today, I’d be one of those kids who insisted on riding the bus to school. But that’s just me. The bus is just a total experience in and of itself.  It was the place where you could take up for the little guys who always got picked on.  If you had some nerve, you could actually beat up the “so called” bullies and get away with it. It was the place where you could give up a good seat to the girl you liked.  It was a place spent glancing at your watch.  Anxiety levels rose to extremes; not from homework assignments, but from your stomach churning in hopes that you would arrive home in time. In time for what? Re-runs of Gilligan’s Island came on at 4 o’clock sharp! 

     The bus was the place where we carried every single book home from school for homework assignments (apparently book bags hadn’t been invented yet). It was the place where…

     Well, I’m just glad someone came up with the idea of busing kids to school so they don’t have to walk to school “up hill both ways” anymore.

Hokiescopes (Week of March 6 –March 12, 2011)

Since the WorLD WiDe wEb is full of predictions and horoscopes, then I must declare my piece of the “MOON-PIE!”

This web-log will prove its lack of awareness about the future by posting a drowsy consciousness pertaining to hold the keys to the future. Unlock the secrets of your sign as we peer skyward through the eyes of this week’s Hokiescopes  

(And you don’t even have to sign up for anything!)

Week of March 6 –March 12, 2011)

Aquarium (Jan 21-Feb. 19)

   You are capable of being inspired at work even if your work seems meaningless. You may even come up with organized, "employer-sponsored" fun and games.

   Just don’t let your employer know that he/she is sponsoring these fun & games; or at least let them win every time.

Fish, Blue Gill, Pisces and such (Feb. 20-March 20)

     Your sympathy equips you for working with charities.  However, you are secretive and vague, so make sure the “non-profit” organization you’ve created IS tax exempt. Have you heard of an EIN?   You’ve got to have one of those. It has to do with your bottom line… (Explanation-Involving-Net)

    This week, you are feeling generous and will give away your neighbor’s “happy go lucky” barking dog to a complete stranger!

NAries (March 21-April 20)

   You are responsible and dedicated. You make a courageous leader.  But does the entire Boy’s Scout troop need to do push-ups just because one kid can’t tie a knot correctly?

   After all, the Buntline Hitch tends to jam. So it’s not easy to untie anyway. Come on, lighten up!

Tires (April 21-May 21)

   Sometimes, your sign follows an unconventional religion.  But, in your mind, your religious cult just doesn’t have as many members as other “major” religious cults.

   Some day though, your crowd will catch up with Islam and Christianity. After all, you only trail the 3rd place Hindus by a mere 762 million followers.

Jim & I (May 22-June 21)

   You sure can bring out the positives in a negative situation.

   For example, when something negative happens to you, you know that it affects your entire family. When you lose, they lose! And it puts a smile on your face and that’s what keeps you going.

   With a nod, a wink and smile you can saunter through the week knowing that someone will pay for their ineptitude.  This unique characteristic makes every other sign envious of you. This week, the stars say you are extremely lucky.  OR, are the stars lying again because “they” are jealous?  

Canker(June 22-July 22)

  You’re persuaded by the emotion of the moment.  Your cognitive processes of emotions are recognized as either conscious or unconscious reactions.

    If you are unconscious, you are less emotional and tend to take things better.

    If you are consciously hearing bad news, it is best if you are restrained and placed in a padded room. If you are consciously hearing good news, it is best if you are restrained and placed in a padded room.

Cle-O (July 23-Aug. 22)

    You have a grandeur manner and tend to be extroverted.

    You and microphones go hand in hand. Just remember microphones are supposed to be placed gently on the stand and not hurled into the crowd in a crazed frenzy of emotion.

    This week is especially dangerous for the ladies.  Watch out! DUCK!  For some reason, your sign is more apt to getting hit in the head by flying debris that has nothing to do with any circumstances surrounding you.  Watch out for cats in trees, wigs in the breeze, and toenail clippings from 2nd floor balconies.

Vertigo (Aug. 23-Sept. 23)

  Both sexes have considerable charm and dignity. 

  But the female Virtigo has a side that few rarely see. She can get downright naughty and crazy; but only IF she’s alone in the bathroom

  On the other hand, male Virtigos will proudly “out-burp” any sign of the zodiac any time, any place.

Libra kadabra (Sept. 24-Oct. 23)

   You are usually a sentimental romantic. But you love a good action-adventure flick on TV or at the movies.

    And yes, you will cry at the end of Armageddon when Bruce Willis gets blown up on the asteroid.

    For the female, you will cry when you are asked to watch Armageddon for the 38^th time!

Crawdad (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)

  Your symbol is the scorpion. Orion was stung by a scorpion and it caused his death.

  To this day, falling stars hate landing in the desert.

Satch-YOU-Terry-Us (Nov. 23-Dec. 22)

   You always look at the bright side. You’re great at seeing the silver lining in the clouds.

   Walt Disney (Dec. 5) made Mickey Mouse, a rodent, one of the biggest stars in Hollywood. He could’ve made “Rocky Roach” a household name if it hadn’t been for the breakdown in contract negotiations.  Plus, Rocky Roach didn’t get along with Tweety Bird… But that’s a whole different story involving blackmail, money laundering and an undisclosed amount of drugs and paraphernalia.  Your sign is pathetic. 

   But YOU Are Not!

   This week, you will continue to be the smartest person at your workplace.  And even if you are not the smartest, you make up for it in the amount that is written on your pay check. You are the envy of every sign accept for Jim & I.  Jim & I will rob you! Watch out!

Capricorny (Dec. 23-Jan. 20)

   You can take a great idea and refine it to make it practical.

   This week, it is most likely; you will meet a creative genius. Using your wit and charm, you will proceed to make a million bucks off of this person.  The funny thing is… this person will later thank you for giving them a part-time job!

   Your sign, along with Satch-YOU-Terry-Us, is the envy of all other signs. But watch out for Jim & I ‘cause Jim & I will rob you!!!  It’s horrible!  Just horrible! Jim & I is comin’ to git yo money!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last time, I think we said we might discuss what each sign means.  You never can tell what the future holds… SO Just Hang in There!  Maybe it will happen next week!

For instance the sign for Tires (April 21-May 21) is a Bull.  What would a bull have to do with tires?  Tune in next week for the answer—OR NOT….

TO: The Undiscovered Sign:

(The sign the stars refuse to shine on… just yet)

Inconsequential actions lead to a homily directed at all prominent figures in attendance harboring ill will toward the keynote speakers thwarting any conservative effort to ballyhoo the intended purposes of the splash. 

ONLY your Sign will understand. GO Forth and read…

For the predicament precludes; therein lies the quandary.

Celebrity Apprentice (The Fly Speaks)

This is obviously from a hidden recording.  Someone has taken the time to put it in a script format and this is a behind the scenes look at the first day on the set of the new “Celebrity Apprentice.”  It’s very rare that you find something like this before the show goes on the air.  I only wish I could have been a fly on the wall in that room!

Celebrity Apprentice, The Cast:  Lil Jon, Gary Busey, Hope Dworaczyk, John Rich, Richard Hatch, Donald Trump, Jr., Donald Trump, Sr., Ivanka Trump, David Cassidy, Niki Taylor, NeNe Leakes, Dionne Warwick, Jose Canseco, Star Jones, Lisa Rinna, Mark McGrath, Marlee Matlin, Meat Loaf, La Toya Jackson

Qualifications of the cast of Celebrity Apprentice:

Direct from the NBC Promo-Trailer for the show:

La Toya Jackson- Claims she is: “an entrepreneur and a Jackson”

Star Jones- Attorney and TV personality

NeNe Leakes- Was on ‘Real Housewives of Atlanta’ – says, “When I walk into a room I own it.”-

Dionne Warwick- “I have 5 grammys.”

Lisa Rinna – “I was on days of our lives.”

Mark McGrath- “I was voted sexiest rocker of the year …1998”

Jose Canseco- Pro Baseball player

David Cassidy- singer

Meatloaf- “better to hell in a handbasket…”

Lil Jon – “I have an incredible smile.”-(golden)

Richard Hatch- “I’m good at being naked… that’s why folks think I won ‘Survivor…’ want to see?”

Gary Busey- “You’re dealing with a vampire that has a day pass.”

Those not mentioned in the promo, include:

Niki Taylor- Model

Hope Dworaczyk- Reigning Playboy Playmate of the Year

Marlee Matlin- Actress and Author of “I’ll scream Later.”- Deaf since 18 and youngest woman to win and Academy Award for Best Lead Actress

John Rich-  Country singer, Big & Rich Band

Scene opens with the group sitting in a room filled with couches and chairs.  Everyone appears to be comfortable accept for Gary Busey who is pacing, and mumbling to himself

Lil Jon: Hey, what are you so jittery for “Busboy?”

Gary Busey: I told you not to call me that ginger snap!

Lil Jon: (Jumps up & gets in Busey’s face) Yeah, when you come off your smart*** remarks, I’ll…

(Interrupted by Jose Canseco)

Jose Canseco: Hey guys, calm down! What is wrong with you people?

Lil Jon: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with me- this mother…

(Interrupted again)

Canseco: Cool it! Or I’m gonna beat you both with a bat!

John Rich: Beat ‘em with a bat! (Smiling as if to joke)

Busey: Shut up ‘Rich’ boy! Remember you ain’t Big~!

J. Rich: What the heck is crawlin’ up your butt Busey?

Busey: I don’t’ work on January 8^th because that’s Elvis’s birthday!

Dionne Warwick: Gary, this is not January. That was two months ago.

Busey: Oh.

Hope Dworaczyk: (Pointing at Busey & asking Latoya) Are we sure he’s OK?

Busey: I’ll be fine now.

Meatloaf:  (Looks over at Hope) HE busted his head up pretty good in a motorcycle accident.

Hope: OH, I thought he had a plane crash or something.

Richard Hatch:  You’re thinking of his character.

J. Rich: Or his career.

Busey: Hey!

Meatloaf:  No. He played the role of Buddy Holly.

R. Hatch: Yeah.

Meatloaf:  And Buddy died in a plane crash

R. Hatch: Yeah.

Busey: Yeah

Hope: Who’s Buddy Holly?

Meatloaf: The singer.

R. Hatch:  The singer who was killed in a plane crash.

La Toya Jackson: My brother died! (Starts sobbing uncontrollably)

Dionne W.: I told you all not to mention singers who have died!

Lil Jon: ‘Loaf was talkin’ bout a character ‘Busboy’ played.

Mark McGrath: (Puts an arm around Latoya, trying to console her) Calm down. He wasn’t talking about your brother. It’s OK; your brother didn’t die in plane crash.

La Toya:  But he’s still dead!  (Sobs Louder)

Dionne W.: I warned you all what would happen!

Busey: She is on the women’s team isn’t she?

J. Rich: Yeah

Meatloaf: Yeah

NeNe Leakes:  Hey Janet!!  Try not to think about it.

La Toya:  I’m Latoya!

NeNe: Whatever… Somebody is fixin’ to get up out of here and find me a bagel. I’m hungry!

McGrath:  Have some sympathy! Can’t you see Janet is hurting? (Continues to hug Latoya)

Latoya Jackson: I’m Latoya!

NeNe: I don’t give a crap! I own this room. Hey skinny girl (points at Hope)

Hope: Me?

NeNe:  Yeah you. Ain’t no other skinny girl in here is there?

Star Jones: NeNe, you need to put that temper on simmer girl.

NeNe: I wasn’t talkin’ to you.  Did I say chubby girl?

(Star stands up)

Niki Taylor:(points at herself) Wait, I’m a model… I’m skinny!

(Star gets up in NeNe’s face)

Star:  Little miss ‘Real Housewife.’ You ain’t even going to start with me girlfriend!

NeNe:  Sit your black a** down b***!

Star:  Oh, no you didn’t!

Nene: (Pointing her finger in Star’s face) What you gonna’ do now!??!

Star: I’m gonna’ be on you like Charlie Sheen and make you my real housewife B***!

(Canseco and Hatch step between them)

Canseco: Come on now ladies.

Hatch: Yeah, the cameras are not rolling yet.  Save it for the show!

Lil Jon: I can’t wait to see a good cat fight!

David Cassidy: Hey Canseco, you still juicing up?

Canseco: What did you say?

Cassidy: Oh, I’m no accusing you. I’m just saying, I’m still in AA and I can’t be around needles.

Lil Jon:  Are you planning to shoot-up some vodka, Butch?

Cassidy: AA means any drug.

Canseco: I don’t shoot up… you little twerp.

J. Rich: Hit him with the bat!

Busey: Let’s see a good bat fight! (Starts laughing and slapping Rich on the shoulder)

Niki Taylor:  I’m not anorexic.

Dionne: There is not going to be a bat fight or a cat fight!

Niki Taylor:  Am I skinny or thin?

Lisa Rinna:  This is like a soap opera.  I was on one for years so I should know.

Lil Jon:  Girl, I was just sitting here looking at you & I knew I’d seen you somewhere.

Lisa Rinna:  Thanks.

Lil Jon: You married to Brad Pitt??

Lisa Rinna: No

Lil Jon: You that girl with the big lips!

Hatch: No that’s Angelina Jolie.

Lisa Rinna: I had a lip reduction.

Lil Jon: You kiddin’ me!  You look like Jose done went & busted you up side the lip with his bat.

NeNe: No doubt, how big were your lips before?

Star: I’m an attorney Lisa and you don’t have to answer that.

Meatloaf: (mumbles to himself) OH, here we go to hell in a handbasket again…

NeNe: Who asked you Star Jones?? Didn’t I tell you I own this room??

J. Rich: She owns this room and she’s gonna hit everybody with bat!

(Everyone starts talking at once)

Canseco: I’m going to level you Richie Rich!

Cassidy: Jose!! Are you sure you don’t have any needles, cause I’m jonesin’ bad!

Niki Taylor: Nobody answered my question… am I skinny or thin?

Hope: I don’t think you’re anorexic. (Winks at Niki)

McGrath:  It’s OK Miss Jackson, why don’t we get out of here and go have a glass of wine.

Jackson: Miss Jackson? McGrath, do I look old to you?

McGrath:  No, I just forgot which one you are.

Lil Jon: Hey ‘Busboy,” how come you don’t work on Elvis’ birthday?

Busey: I don’t remember (both laugh)

Hatch: When do we all get naked? (Yelling) I’m getting naked now!!!

J Rich: Don’t get naked. There’s not enough room for Lisa’s lips, Busey’s teeth and your big white butt to fit in one room.

Canseco:  You deserve this you little punk! (Gets ready to swing his bat)

J Rich: (laughing) Oh god, Canseco is gonna’ hit me with a bat!

Busey: Hit him with a bat.

Dionne: I can’t swing a bat, but I can swing a Grammy!

Meatloaf: Hey Lisa, just think… These are the ‘days of our lives!’

Cassidy:  Doesn’t anybody have a needle!!!!

Marlee Matlin: (Does sign language to her assistant/interpreter) I never thought I would sign this, but sometimes it’s good to be deaf. I can hear no evil, speak no evil and close my eyes and see no evil. (They both laugh as he says something in sign-language back to her)

NeNe:  Hey! What did she say? (Looks at Marlee Matlin) What did you say? You ain’t said nothin’ this whole time, and you and your friend just start laughing out of thin air????

Busey: Give a rest NeNe.

(THE Donald ‘Trump’ walks into the room)

NeNe: I ain’t giving nothing a rest until I find out what she said!

The Donald: Give it rest NeNe.  Has everyone had a chance to meet and greet each other?

(Lots of low grumbling and talking in the room)

The Donald:  By leaving you alone in this room, I was hoping you would all have a chance to cozy up and make friends with your teammates.

Meatloaf: And that’s exactly what happened. Donald.  We were just about to start ‘making love out of nothing at all.’ You want to join us?

Hokiescopes (Week of March 1 –March 6, 2011)

Since the WorLD WiDe wEb is full of predictions and horoscopes, then I must declare my piece of the “MOON-PIE!”

This web-log will prove its lack of awareness about the future by posting a drowsy consciousness pertaining to hold the keys to the future. Unlock the secrets of your sign as we peer skyward through the eyes of this week’s Hokiescopes  

(And you don’t even have to sign up for anything!)

Week of March 1 –March 6, 2011)

Aquarium (Jan 21-Feb. 19)

  Your fierce independence sustains you because you so often refuse to follow the crowd.

  But sometimes, you should follow the crowd; especially, when the department store closes at 9pm. Just go find your car and go home.  

Fish, Blue Gill, Pisces and such (Feb. 20-March 20)

   You like to read and let your mind wonder. You also like to watch TV and let your mind wonder.  AND you like to take tests and let your mind wonder.

  BUT PLEASE stop driving when you should be reading, or watching TV or taking a test!

NAries (March 21-April 20)

     Avoid negative emotions such as resentment. And please don’t resent me for saying that.

     This week, you may buy a waffle iron.

     You also need to give back that dress—that one is just for the guys.

Tires (April 21-May 21)

   You are sometimes a slave to your own desires.  If you ever feel like you are a slave to someone else’s desires, check your birth certificate and make sure you were not born under a different sign.

Jim & I (May 22-June 21)

  Sometimes, when you get angry, “in your mind” you may cuss like a sailor.

  When, you’re not that angry, you may just cuss like a marine. There really isn’t much difference you know.   

Canker(June 22-July 22)

  You need to be bold. See what I did there? I made you bold.

   Politically, you may change party affiliations. Make a decision! 

  This week, you may have a strong desire to change jobs. But in all likelihood, you will just change your socks and underwear... occasionally.

Cle-O (July 23-Aug. 22)

  You may never delegate the carrying out of minor details to underlings. But your disdain for bosses is even worse.

  This week, just like last week, you will attempt to do every single job around the house and every task at work… by yourself- and then you will have some more room to say things like, “WHY can’t I get some help around here? WHY do I have to do everything? WHY me?”

   AND you will promptly give a satisfactory answer to your own rhetorical question.

Vertigo (Aug. 23-Sept. 23)

   You hold the keys to all the answers of the universe.

   Not really, but you think you do! Having an inquisitive nature is not the same as being nosy.  Stop being nosy! It’s a good thing your sign doesn’t give a crap what others think.

  For the ladies though… come on, give up the affair… time to grow up.

Libra kadabra (Sept. 24-Oct. 23)

   If you’re single, an internet dating service has your match! A life-long partner has been found for YOU! Just go to the web-site now. They want to help you.

   I can’t tell you the exact website because that is against our soothsayers’ policies under article 24(dash)-32-8-oh – I8teen eleven 42 under section B- Nixing exact-toes & power loss /Cause-Effect/ ratio.

   (Psst- that was a hint, look to the stars and then count your toes backwards and do a cartwheel seven times in the direction of your “life turn.” The answer lies within the pages of “the turn” near the water’s edge of the sand under the fake star-fish next to the Shell station… Just think about it)

   If the answer does not come to you this week, then this weekend you will run down an alley and holler, “Fish” until you find that special someone.

   If you’re married, you will, again, lock yourself in the bathroom and holler, ‘fish!”

  Congratulations your sign had the longest read of the week!  You should feel warm and fuzzy, especially after you (figure it out)-- shhh (subliminal)… quiet (Coo olio)… concentrate (quatrain).

Crawdad (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)

  You have tenacity and will power.

   This week, you may stand in line 30 minutes for something that most people would easily give up on.

   But you absolutely have to have a free toy with your kid’s meal... SO what CAN you do? -RIGHT?

Satch-YOU-Terry-Us (Nov. 23-Dec. 22)

  You work best with folks who compliment your character.

  You would make a good Power Ranger. This week, let your “Wonder Twin Powers Activate,” –Form of happiness, shape of a smile… and NOW, show off your super human characteristics!

  Sometimes it's hard to smile. But if you'll go punch a clown (in makeup), you'll feel better.

  Or just watch Oprah instead.

Capricorny (Dec. 23-Jan. 20)

  The inference, upon which an argument relies, is based on your own logic.

  This week, just pass the ketchup when someone asks for it. PLEASE don't get bogged down in explanations and narratives behind the request.

Last time, I think we said we might discuss what each sign means.  You never can tell what the future holds… SO Just Hang in There!  Maybe it will happen next week!

For instance the sign for Tires (April 21-May 21) is a Bull.  What would a bull have to do with tires?  What would a smell have to do with taste? Where does the rubber meet the road? ALL very inconsequential questions we must answer! Tune in next week for the answers—OR NOT….